But, I don't Wanna Go To Bed!

No matter how early, or late, we put our older two children to bed we hear this cry. It could be after midnight and they'd still say it. It is also always said just as the child is getting into their pj's. If we've let them stay up late and remind them of this, they insist that they did not stay up late enough and need to stay up later.

Our third child, on the other hand, often puts herself to bed early. She will decide she's tired, ask for her bear and head up and get into bed. This is also the child who rolls over and is instantly asleep. (Wish I could do that!)

Recently I've caught myself saying this same phrase to my husband. Why? I know I'm very tired. I know I have to get up early in the morning. I know I will need to deal with 4 children during the course of the day and all the miscellaneous stuff that goes with them. I know that I'm not actually being productive right now, but I do write better at night if I could rev up my intelligence. Again, Why? My only answer is, peace and quiet. I've even been staying up later than Matt. It's very peaceful with them all in bed. No one demanding anything, no noise. It's just me, doing whatever useless thing I want to do.

I felt guilty for a while that I was accomplishing nothing, for either my family or myself. Then I came across this quote by Max Lucado and it sums up what I've always believed, but couldn't put into words or convince certain people to believe.

"The next time the challenges 'outside' tempt you to shut the door and stay inside, stay long enough to get warm. Then get out."

Elizabethisms

Matt (about Elizabeth being matter of fact tonight): Elizabeth is full of wisdom today.

Elizabeth (to me): I'm full of lots of words today.

Hope Quote

Hope is often very matter of fact when she talks. For example...

Matt: Hope, what's that on your shirt? dirt? chocolate?

Hope, looking down: It's poop. And then she goes off to play.

Sammy's Little Brother

Matt has always wanted Sammy to have a brother. Sammy wants someone to share his room with him and play with him like his boy cousins do. For the most part, he doesn't mind having three sisters. Thankfully one of my nephews, who is the same age, lives only a few blocks away. The two of them play well together and it satisfies Sammy's desire to play active, crazy boy stuff. I'm very grateful that my nephews parents decided to stay in the area, and their son is one of those reasons.

Meanwhile, Matt and I wanted to get our children involved with missions and helping out others. With the kids being little, we are limited in ways we can help. Currently we try to help by providing meals for people who might need it, helping other parents by watching their kids, and trying to demonstrate common courtesies to strangers.

Yesterday we decided on one more step. We wanted to expose our children to ministering to people who live in other areas. Heading over to the Compassion International website, Sammy picked out our Compassion child. He now has a "brother" who lives in Indonesia. He is very excited about him and can't wait to send and receive letters from him. Both he and Elizabeth will be helping to support this little boy. They both receive tokens for the extra chores that they do around the house. Each month they will donate tokens to our Compassion child to help support him. They also will be writing some of the letters.

I'm excited to see them be excited for this new adventure and look forward to watch our new "son" grow through the years.

Creativity/Creation

My husband often tells me I have too many "projects" going at one time. He doesn't seem to understand the need I have to create things. Whether it's knitting, cross stitch, writing, gardening, planning parties for the kids, or making some new culinary delight I love to create. Even if no one appreciates it, or even sees it, does not seem to matter, although there are times I enjoy having people know what I've done. It's growing to be an obsession of mine, learn something new and create from that knowledge.

Most people I know have the same drive, maybe not as insistently as I do, but they have it, even my husband. My kids do, they build with Legos and blocks, pretend play, and even color to create. Where does this desire come from that drives us to create things, even if no one sees them but ourselves?

Our Creator has placed his thumbprint upon us. He loves creating, just from the shearer enjoyment of it. I believe He placed this desire in us. In our small creations, we can understand His love of creating and can identify with Him. Just one more way that He shows Himself to us and shows that He is not just some distant, uncaring being.

Quotes of the day

What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.
- Vilhjalmur Stefansson

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
- Jane Caminos

Purge and Toss

It is so nice to purge and toss things. Old things. Broken things. Redundant things. Toys, ideas, moldy food, magazines, books, shoes, etc., etc. Today I tossed, will be sending to the Salvation Army, clothes. It felt so good. Not only to clean out and organize, but to enjoy the fact that I can no longer fit into those clothes. They are all too big. Some of the pants I can't keep up without holding on to them. It is so exciting! I will need to purchase clothes for next summer, yeah! While I have enough clothes for the fall, as of now, I plan on continuing to loose all of this extra baby weight. As I continue to loose, I will continue to have clothes that no longer fit me. I'm hoping that by Christmas I will have, not want, but need to go shopping for new winter clothes. My ultimate goal is to be able to fit into my wedding dress next year, for out ten year anniversary! I will be able to do that, just need to keep at it.

Slacker!

I'm officially a slacker. Here I promised I'd post something everyday, and it's been 3 since I last posted. I'd like to apologize and promise that I'll do better. I've been busy, as usual. School for Elizabeth and Samuel, potty training for Hope, two new teeth for Amelia, sorting out winter clothes for Hope and Amelia, decided what clothes I need to buy for all the kids, knitting for Christmas, hiking, church, working on the October newsletter, starting to winterize my gardens, everyday Mommy/house wife stuff, and I actually did write once this past week.

This week looks to be about the same. Hopefully Amelia won't be teething. She is the worst kid I've had, cried and cries and cries. Doesn't want to be put down. Doesn't want to be held. Doesn't want to sleep. Doesn't want to be awake. The list is endless. Last night she was up at least once an hour, whining for about 5 minutes and then going back to sleep. So, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Planning on going to bed early tonight. Will do some more knitting and then off to bed I'll go.

Here's a thought for the day: Where did viruses come from? I know there are beneficial viruses in nature, but where did ones like the cold, flu, Ebola, the plague, etc. come from. My current, have no way to support at all, hypothesis for my book: They originally were made by men pre-flod (aka antediluvian) for biological warfare. We can make them, why not them? Almost perfect physically people must have been much smarter than we are, and more technologically advanced than we are. There were 1500 years between the creation of man and the flood, according to a literal interpretation of the scriptures. Look how far we've come in the past 100 years, and we are nowhere near as perfect physically as they were. Just want to make you think.

Quote of the Day

If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.
- Doug Larson

Writing

I'm going to actually write in my book. The part I'm working on now I know where it needs to go, just need to get there. It's not very pretty right now, just want to get it done. Then I'll flesh it out a little better.

Also have a sick child and one who is teething! So much fun abounds at my house!

MOPs, at last!

The first MOPs meeting of this school year was held today! It was so exciting to be back, to see people I haven't seen since May, to meet new moms, and see how big everyone's kids have grown! Such a good time. It looks like it will be a great year. The first Wednesday of October is too far away. I don't want to wait that long before I go back. But, I guess I don't get much choice. If you're a Mother Of a Preschooler, or want to be a mother, or will be a mother soon, check out MOPs. It's a great place to go. Lots of encouragement, lots of advice, lots of women who are experiencing what you're are going through right now.

In other news...

I wrote one paragraph in my book today, before I was harassed by my children. I tried making mozzarella sticks, didn't work out so well. Gave my niece her first piano lesson with me. Planned individual time with the kids for the next month. Pureed squash, sweet potatoes, cauliflower, and broccoli to freeze and eventually cook with. Found out I love my food processor (which I received as a wedding present and have never used!).

Interesting People

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing in the corners of our rooms.
- Alan Corenk


A very sad statement about our culture. We are loosing touch with people, and loosing our people skills in the process. We all wonder why other people are doing the annoying/stupid thing they are doing. I believe it all boils down to the fact that we are loosing our ability to interact politely and to deal with things not being the way we want them to be, life isn't perfectly scripted.

When my great-grandmother was my age she would have visiting days. There were days when she visited other people and days when other people visited her. She knew which day was which and planned her schedule around it (and made sure she had a treat ready for those who were visiting her). The visiting was important, others were important.

As a society we are so caught up in ourselves and our business that we forget about other people. Life isn't about doing or getting, it's about being and relationships. God tells us to store up treasures that last, treasures in heaven. He's not talking about gold, or medals, or awards, titles, degrees. He's speaking about people. Jesus did not come to earn his degree, buy a big house, rule the world. Jesus came to meet people, to listen to them, to help them, to show them the Truth so that they could spend eternity getting to know Him and each other.

You want to be like Jesus? Love and obey God, and put others first - that's true Love.

First One Done

I finally was able to print the first edition of our church's newsletter. The September issue is hot off the press at our church, if you'd like a copy. I enjoyed putting it together and seeing the finished product. Now I'm just waiting to see what people thought about it. I've already started gathering information for October's issue. It will probably be longer than the first one, since more people have mentioned they have information to give me. I look forward to seeing what other people have written and organizing it. It was very satisfying to me to complete a project, something I have not done in a long time. I guess it is time to push through some of the other projects I'm currently working on.

Wedding Bells

Matt and I attended my cousin Dustin's wedding this afternoon. We had a good time. Matt's parents kept our kids for us, even putting them to bed, yeah! It was a nice wedding, if a bit unorganized. I was able to talk to cousins I see only a few times a year, who I'd like to see more often. Hopefully I'll start to do better contacting them.

It was strange to see my cousin get married. I still see him as that little boy, destroying his rented tux at another wedding. It is hard to remember that my life isn't the only life that's moved forward. It is also hard to realize how old everyone has gotten, since our family does not get together as often as it once did. I am blessed that we saw each other as much as we did while I was growing up, but feel saddened because my youngest cousins have missed out on some of that. As the older ones have gotten married and moved on, as my grandparents retired and moved away, finding time to get together like we used to grew harder and harder. I guess it happens with everyone, but I do miss it.

“To Be One With Each Other” by George Eliot

What greater thing is there for two human souls
than to feel that they are joined together to strengthen
each other in all labor, to minister to each other in all sorrow,
to share with each other in all gladness,
to be one with each other in the
silent unspoken memories?

I wish you lots of love and luck, Dustin and Brandie.

Insignificant

‘My Life is insignificant in God’s plan for the world.’ Those words often swirl through my brain. ‘I’m nothing much, just a speck in the great cosmos.’ A stay-at-home-Mom, my worth is nothing special to the majority of people. I also do not have a grand testimony. I was not rescued from the depths of deepest, darkest sin. What impact can my life have?

I’m not alone in thinking this. The majority of Christians feel this way at some point in their lives.

We quietly go about our day, listening to that insidious voice telling us that we are insignificant, that we have no great testimony to tell, and that we have no great feats to our credit. That voice paralyzes us, and causes us to shy away from other Christians and even God. That voice originates in Satan, who is trying, very successfully, to cripple God’s people.

As I listen to this voice, another voice is soon heard, whispering gently to my soul. It is much quieter than the first, but it causes me to rebel against the voice of Satan. The whispering voice reminds me who I really am. I am chosen of God, saved by Jesus, and held by the Spirit. While I am still a speck in the cosmos, I am a very special speck, only because God chose me to be. His whispering voice reminds me that anything He does, no matter if it’s “little” or “big” according to the world, is special.

So, for a few days I feel special. What I do matters, even if it impacts only one life. Do I do anything to keep this feeling, to continue to listen to the whispering voice? No. Does this feeling last? No. After awhile I start listening to Satan’s voice. Then God’s whisper captures me again. An endless cycle, that constantly repeats itself through the weeks and years of my life. A stagnant rut I have dug for myself.

‘This time will be different though,’ I promise myself. But how? While I’m still trying to find the perfect answer, I have found a few things I should do. First, and always first, I need to talk to God everyday, in a relationship manor and not an ‘I want’ way. Second, I need to memorize memory verses that tell me God’s worth and my purpose in life. That way I have a good answer for Satan’s voice when he asks me what good I am. Third, I need to list the ways God blesses me, works in my life, including the mundane things. Four, I need to share this list with others and encourage them to do the same.

Will I ever fall back into that rut? I hope not, but if I do, I will have those lists to read over, and as always, that whispering voice.

Accelerated Chaos

We sent Sammy off to his second year of preschool today. He was so excited. He had a great day. He is my noisy one, so the house was very quiet with him gone this morning. It was just the two little ones for 2 1/2 hours. Very strange. I did enjoy the time I could spend with just the two of them. I'm looking forward to getting to know them better, without their older siblings around to answer for them and do everything for them.

Life seems to be accelerating for us. One in Kindergarten, one will go next year, and the third will be in preschool next year. There will be some mornings when I will only have one child. That will be strange. My sister-in-law's favorite quote "These are the longest days, and the shortest years." Very true.

Even now we find it hard to slow things down to spend time with each other. It takes a conscious effort to have times where there is nothing planned for us to do. Matt and I would like to be minimalist, hard to do when you have four kids, but we do our best, especially when it comes to activities. We want our children involved in things, and we know it will get crazy someday, but we still want to keep extras to a minimum.

A slower paced lifestyle is more important to us. Time to spend together, with other family and friends. Time to rejuvenate and refresh ourselves. We don't need to have something planned every minute of the day.

Having this motivation in life makes living in this world very hard. While the rest of the world tries to bury the emptiness it feels in doing, we find ourselves being cut off from the One person that fills that emptiness. What a deception Satan has painted for out culture. He blinds us to the emptiness. He promotes an accelerated lifestyle to hid the emptiness. If our eyes could be opened to see how empty things really are. If we could slow down enough to find the One who can fill the emptiness, the peace that would spread through each individual person is amazing. Many love to quote it, but rarely do it, "Take time to stop and smell the roses." or better yet, "Take time to stop."

Mountain Top Moment

This afternoon we headed over to one of our state parks to play and have a picnic with people from our church. Matt and I invited my Mom, my sister and her family to play with our kids one last time before school started and our days weren't so free. We had a great time with them, and with those from our church at supper.

In the afternoon we went for a hike. The kids love to hike, but hate to walk. I don't understand that, but try to overlook it. We walked the gorge trail up to the scenic overlook. I walked a mile and half with 20 extra pounds, in the form of Amelia, strapped to my back. It was quite a hike. The kids did very well, for the most part.

There are some very steep sections, some with stairs and some without. It was a perfect day for a hike, cool and partly cloudy. It was very beautiful. I love walking up to the falls.

To reach the scenic overlook, you must walk up a very steep incline. After all the walking that came before, this was a big challenge for most of us. Some of the people from church started to discuss about those Mountain Top moments with Jesus. While walking up this section, one woman said "Jesus is also in the valley!" At this point in time the mountain top did not seem worth the physical effort to get there.

We finally made it to the top. As we walked around the scenic overlook, we decided the last push was worth it.

It was a beautiful picture of walking with Jesus. Flat places - time to rest and re-gather your energy. Bridges - aha! moments when you grow in an instant. Stairs - stretching growing time, not easy, but not too painful. Muddy spots/shale - very easy to slip here and backslide a long way, or even over the edge! Beautiful scenery - breath taking and awe inspiring, but don't look too exclusively b/c you might hit an unseen muddy spot! Sleep inclines - often the last push to the top, very challenging, often feel it is not worth the effort, painful, frustrating, agonizing, etc., etc. The scenic overlook/mountain top - While you may feel like giving up sometimes, the Mountain top is worth the effort, scenery more beautiful than before, and a feeling of accomplishment - which is what I think makes those mountain top moments the best. The sense that you pushed through and kept going. I finally made it!

My Buddy and Me!

Hope and my nephew, who is the same age, are best buddies. Born only a few months apart they are like Yin and Yang, but very close. They always greet each other with a hug and refer to each other as My Buddy. Hope will often try to escape when we are outside to run to her buddy's house. Once she made it to the corner before I caught her! Their hugs have gotten crazy, one of these days they'll hurt each other. Hope often cries when her buddy leaves her. She doesn't like to be parted.

Yin and Yang - one dark, the other light. one female, the other male. one quiet, one loud, one destructive, the other chaotic. one slow, the other fast. one shy, the other not. both very loving, both full of laughter, and both very sweet.

I enjoy watching the love and enjoyment they have for each other. I can't wait to watch their relationship grow. I've always believed it very important to have a friend who has grown up with you that you can say anything to and they know where you're coming from. I'm fortunate to have that and very grateful that all my children will have that as well. But, look out to the girl/boyfriend that will get in the way of Hope and her cousin's relationship!

Sleeping on The Floor

Matt has been uncomfortable on our mattress for a long time. Between him tossing and turning and Amelia waking up at least twice a night, I have not been able to sleep well. I did have two weeks this summer where I slept very well and felt very rested - the Writer's Conference and at my brother's.

Amelia went with me to the conference, she did wake up twice a night then as well. My whole family was with me at my brother's house, so I was also woken up twice a night there. The biggest difference was Matt. He did not attend the conference with me, so no one tossed and turned in my bed all night. We slept on a futon mattress on the floor at my brother's, Matt slept well there.

With those two experiences in mind, I purchased a futon mattress. It arrived today, so I will know by tomorrow if it will work better for us than a regular bed. I'm hoping to have a platform bed soon to sleep on, but for now, we are on the floor. The kids think this is great fun. I will wait and see.

In other news: I finished the church newsletter today and I'm hoping to have it printed out tomorrow. It looks good. My laptop is dying, but I believe I have all my writing on my flash drive, except maybe for the most recent stuff. I really don't need one right now, but would like to have one for the conference next year.

New Room for Baby

Poor Amelia is going to learn how to sleep through the night. At one point in time she was doing so, but then decided she didn't want to. Currently she awakes at least once, up to six times a night! She's almost a year old, so I believe it is time for her to learn.

We've tried to work on sleeping through the night in the past. She's been sharing a room with the other two girls. Neither one of them appreciated being woken by Amelia's crying. She never cried very hard, but enough to awaken them enough for them to yell out that she was crying. After that point in time, there was no way she would be going back to sleep on her own.

We finally cleaned out the sewing room and moved her crib in there. We'll have to see how she handles it and what Mommy ends up doing when she wakes up. I'm hoping I'm not going to be on autopilot and still pick her up before I realize what I'm doing. I'm hoping, also, that this will only take a few nights and then she can move back into the room with her sisters and I can have my sewing room back.

In other news: I have all the information for the newsletter. I now just have to actually put it into newsletter form. I'm hoping to be able to do that tomorrow so that I can have it ready for Sunday. I still have not written much in my book, and subsequently have had difficulty falling asleep. I just need to push on through this fear. In a positive note, MOPs starts in a few weeks and I'm looking forward to the kick of picnic.

“Dying With Dignity?”

Sacred - “Worthy of respect”¹

Some people speak of the “Sanctity of Life”, for them, the sacredness of life before birth. I often wonder about the other end of life, death. Those who are dying also need to be treated with dignity. Their lives are just as sacred as anyone else’s. During my time in nursing school, and as a registered nurse in the hospital I often saw the dignity of a dying individual's life ignored.

I first came to notice this lack of dignity as a nursing student. I was a non-traditional student, having attained a bachelor's in Biology and working a few years at the Boyce Thompson Institute for Plant Research, before deciding to become a nurse. Until then I had not considered much about the dying and they way the end of their lives were treated.

During my first hospital rotation as a student, I spent time training on a medical floor. This medical floor, like all medical floors in the country, mostly cared for the elderly who were often in the hospital for months at a time. The majority were in one stage of dying or another. One of my first patients was an elderly Chinese man. His wife was at his bedside as often as she was allowed. She did not speak any English, so we relied on a translator, and her son when he was available.

It was debatable if the man knew what was going on around him. He did notice his wife, however. When she talked to him, he always smiled. He would die, probably within the next week. His lungs were not working well, so he was on oxygen. The normal nasal cannulas were not able to deliver enough oxygen, so the doctor wanted to use a mask. The man did not like this. He fought the mask every time, which caused his wife distress.

When I asked the doctor why he wanted to push the mask on the patient, even though it obviously caused the patient signs of distress, he replied that it would extend the mans life by two weeks. I questioned the nurses on why you would basically harass someone who is dying, just for an extra two weeks. They were scandalized. How could I suggest that we just “let” the patient die? We needed to do everything possible to save his life. If the man wanted to die, I was told, he would be in Hospice or at home. He and his family obviously wanted him to live, so the hospital staff was going to do everything in their power to keep him alive. They never did ask the patient’s wife if she wanted the mask to be used, they just told her “it needs to be done”.

When I looked into the case further, I found no one had talked to the wife, or his family, about letting her husband die in peace, naturally. It was not a choice they were willing to give her. Needless to say, the man spent his last days fighting the nurses and aides over the use of that mask. His few peaceful times of resting quietly while holding his wife’s hand were few and far between, and even denied him at the end.

Many people in the medical field have an aversion to death, or dying patients. They hate to see their own mortality staring them in the face. The drive to prove that people can be kept alive, no matter what, is very strong in them. Thankfully Hospice, and its ideas, are becoming a more viable choice for many. As the population of the world ages, it is important that we encourage those in the medical profession to be trained in end of life care, and the sanctity of life.

¹ The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. 19 Oct. 2006.

Copyright 2008

The Beginning of An Era

Today was Elizabeth's first day of Kindergarten. A first for the whole family. It is amazing how one day can change someone. Yesterday she was my little girl, today she's a Kindergartner and much bigger already. She walked in and set herself up like she had been attending school her whole life. Which doesn't surprise me, since she's been asking to go to school since she was 2!

She loved her first day and can't wait to go back tomorrow. It will be interesting for me to have to take her, with the other three in tow, by myself. Matt stayed home today to see her go and help clean the house.

It was a different day for us. Still very noisy, she's the quieter one. I think Sammy missed having her to play with him. But, with Matt home, I don't think it will hit him until tomorrow. Hope and Amelia didn't really seem to notice. I missed her, but was glad she had reached one of her goals. A bittersweet moment. She's getting so big and independent. I miss her as she was, but can't wait to see what she becomes.

It is not Writer's Block, it is fear!

I have not written anything for my book in a few weeks. It sits there, taunting me. It is not writer's block. I know what needs to be written and what the next step will be. I can't get this vision out of my head, it won't leave me alone.

I still haven't written about it. I'm afraid. My perfectly planned story has taken on a life of its own. It has veered off course, and now I am quite lost. I always seem to know the next step, but not the final chapter. It's very disconcerting. Almost like this isn't really my story, but someone else's, who happens to also be in my head. Very weird.

I should write tonight. Even ten minutes of writing means I can fall asleep in a few minutes, instead of a few hours. Plot lines, characters, stories run through my head and keep me awake at night if I haven't written during the day. I thought my blog could help, but it doesn't keep the ideas away.