Burried under a Mountain

A mountain of laundry, that is!

I've been busy analyzing my life. Why am I so discontent with everything. I have a great husband who works hard and is a wonderful dad. Four wonderful kids who are very easy to deal with, mostly. A house, a job I can work whenever I want, great friends and family, money for everything we need and a few extra dollars for some small fun stuff. Many people would look at my life and see I have nothing to complain about. No major in-law battles, no health issues, no catastrophes of any kind.

Finally it hit me. Supposedly, Mothering is an Adventure. It's not, at least not for me. I want to do great things, go on quest to save the world, have adventures in far away places, battle the forces of evil, and look darn good doing it. I was always the kid in Sunday School who wanted to be "called" to deepest, darkest Africa (if there is such a place any more). I want to go to far off places and do momentous things to help the people there.

Where am I now? George Lucas says it best, "In a galaxy far, far away." I am the furthest from a quest of my dreams. My world consists of laundry, dishes, runny noses, potty training, diapers, homework, coats, boots, mittens, lost bears, sippy cups, and puking kids. Doing the same things day in and day out. It makes me want to scream! It makes me sad and depressed.

It is a struggle every day to find some joy in what I do. I love my children, I love my husband, but I often feel they would be better off with a better mother. Yes, I know how to be a good Mom, but that's not who I want to be. I have no contentment, I have no joy, I have only an endless sorrow of endless mundane days of endless repetitions of endless tasks.

What's my weakness? Everyday, Mommy, tasks.

I try to hide, in books, living vicarious quest through other people. But, when I return to reality, after having ignored my family and house, the excitement gets lost. So, I pick up the next book, and the next, never getting enough of the adventure. Wanting to depart from this world that sucks me dry.

My kids deserve better than what I can give them. My husband deserves a better wife. But right now, I'm all they've got.

This is not suppose to be my life. How did I get here? Why didn't God stop me? Last first, He didn't stop me because this is where He wanted and knew I would be. The place where I would have to turn to Him for help, daily, not just occasionally, but daily and often hourly. I did not plan this, nor did I think this far into the future when I was falling in love with my husband. Blindly, I would say.

What do I do? Well, reading doesn't seem to be helping, so I'm going to cut that out for a bit. At least the questing ones. Like romance novels make me disappointed in my husband, these books make me disappointed in my life. While that's not going to make things magically better. It will help when I don't constantly have examples of adventures others are having that I'm not.

This verse keeps popping up every time I want to wallow in self pity. "God's strength is made perfect in my weakness." So what? I kept asking. Then, it hit me. Duh! My weakness isn't kryptonite, it's everyday life! At least this everyday life I'm living. The world is supposed to see God through me. How can they do that if I'm able to handle things on my own strength, aka questing and adventuring? That's not God working, that's just me.

For many, the life I live isn't hard, difficult, etc. etc. It's easy, my life is what they are good at. For me, this is hard. I'm so weak at doing this. It's a daily struggle I have to wake up to each and every day. And, to top it all off, I've been blocking God from giving me His strength. I never thought of everyday life as a weakness before, just a chore to be done over and over. So, I never asked God for His strength to survive and thrive in my world.

I started doing that, two days ago. Am I a brand new person? Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Not really. But I've noticed a difference. If I talk with God about my weakness and ask Him to be my strength, my day goes so much better. I feel better, that's the difference. I have more love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Things that touch on every area of my life. I'm happier with my children, with other people, with my life.

Are things perfect? Far from it. I'm relatively new at this, so I've slipped often. Sometimes I remember to go back and talk it all out again with God, sometimes I don't. I just cling tight to His promise that He is standing next to me with open arms, just waiting to give me all the strength I need.